08.14.24 - 10:48 a.m.

If I'm ok, You're ok

I started this diary so long ago. The age my oldest daughter is now. When I look back I cannot believe how much has changed. How many twists and turns I have had to navigate. How many oceans of love I have gotten to soak in, how many tears of loss I have had to wipe away.

Just like two sides to every coin, there are two sides to me. People like to say I am "one of a kind" that I am "so unique" but really I am only one of these two things. Ok or not ok.

So much of my surroundings play into which one I am operating out of. Wouldn't it be fantastic, by some magical kindness, that I could remain ok regardless of the circumstances that storm around me. Instead, I drown in my titles and get blown over with nearly every hint of force.

Perhaps my perception of myself has been so thwarted by attempting to see myself through my onlookers' eyes, that I have forgotten myself. I find my reflection beyond recognition. I am somewhere in here, however, remembering what it is like to hear my favorite song played live. I remember watching my son being born, emerging and disgusting flesh bouncing back at me from a mirror- never feeling so filled with miraculous awe.

How do I sail inside this person trapped inside this time and space? How do I keep giving from my empty, inside-out pockets? How do I walk upright with limbs full of sand?

How do I keep these breaths from being wasted.

one breath. - closer to death.

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